~*FeArLess*~

So you have done the awesome task of graduating college....congrats....but now what?  After college we are thrown out into the real world, most likely with little money, the optimistic few that college gives us, and what...our skills?  That is exactly what I had when I graduated. I was on top of the world.  My university made me feel like the day I would graduate I would automatically have a plethora of offers just come pouring in, and I would walk right into my dream job.  Sadly, it wasn't true.  I sent out resumes, had a few interviews, and then nothing.  I was definitely kicked off my high horse quickly.  I understand that nothing comes easy, and don't get my wrong I don't feel like I should just be handed a job.  I am very willing to work hard, but when I am not given the chance what can I do?   

I find myself working at a minimum wage job, where no one else I am working with went to college, and yet we make the same.  Shouldn't my college education be able to help me out?  If it wasn't for how wonderful my parents are I definitely wouldn't be able to make it.  I hear about my friends and their new jobs and I am jealous.  It is so hard for me to be happy for everyone else, when they have what I want.   

Is anyone else in the same boat?  Advice?    

For all you Bachelor fanatics out there.....the season finale is tonight!!  I am so excited.  This has been one of my favorite Bachelor seasons yet to date.  I think Jason is wonderful and seems like a truly real guy, who is in this for all the right reasons.  Some of the past bachelors I felt came on the show to meet some hot girls and get some action.  Jason however has a son, so he has already had to grow up and be mature.  His decisions not only impact his life, but his son's as well.  He is being careful to make the right decisions. 

Melissa has been my favorite since the first episode.  I totally have a girl crush on her, probably because she is many of the things I am not.  I have always wanted to be dark complected and have dark features.  Instead of course, I was blessed with blonde hair and fair skin.  Oh well, what can I do:)  But back on the topic of Melissa.  Really.....how adorable are they together???  I think Melissa and Jason would make a perfect couple.  She looks like a school girl in love whenever she sees him.  She is so darn cute.  Molly is great too though.  I think Jason did a really good job of weeding out the bad apples and picking two truly great girls.

Did you all catch "The Girls Tell All" last week?  It showed past Bachelor and Bachelorette rejects.  I admit I was also hooked on the season with DeAnna.  I had a huge crush on the guy she chose Jesse!!!  I love that he was all into extreme sports and a snowboarder.  Call me up Jesse!!!  I was sad that he and DeAnna broke up, but it looks like he found love with another Bachelor cast-off.  Go Jesse!!!  I'm not a huge fan of DeAnna.  She comes back in tonights episode, so she better not mess anything up for Jason!!!  Does anyone find it a little weird that DeAnna and Melissa look a lot alike though?  hmmmm interesting:) 

So what do you all think everyone?  Team Molly or Team Melissa??

1. I am a reality show junkie!  Seriously, name a show and I watch it!  Rock of Love, Charm School, Tool Academy, Real World....believe me the list could go on forever!

2. I am creeped out by Wendy's square burgers, so I refuse to eat them!

3.  I often break out into song.....I wish life was a musical!

4. I love to read...and I am extremely fast at it.

5. I loved high school, and I would go back in a heartbeat!

6. I love working with kids......and my biggest fear is that I will not be able to have any of my own.

7. I am addicted to WWE wrestling and UFC....in high school I had pictures of "The Rock" in my locker. I even own the CD that has the theme songs for all of the wrestlers on WWE....anyone is free to borrow it if they would like:)

8. I hate working out, and would much rather be on the couch all day.

9. I have an addiction to McDonalds.....which makes the fact that I hate working out even worse.

10. I have 4 hours of soap operas I must watch each day....good thing I have the soap opera channel!

11. I dread taking showers...they take way too long

12. I am a very picky eater....I don't like soup, chicken, turkey, or pork to name just a few

13. I love hot dogs though!!

14. I hate technology. I just recently received my first DVDs.....I'm a little behind the times

15. I'm 23, and feel like I haven't accomplished anything

16. I've always had a secret crush on Sean Connery...I don't care if he is old enough to be my grandfather. His voice is sexy!

17. When I am scared, no matter what it is from...I plug my ears. I am often made fun of for this, but it makes me feel safe:)

18. I refuse to shop at Hollister or Abercrombie. I do however like to point and laugh at the half-naked people they have stand by the entrance to make you want to come in.

19. I am scared of rollercoasters.

20. I talk super fast. I blame that on my mom who if you can believe it, talks faster than I do.

21. When I was 16 I hit a guy on a motorcycle with my car. Don't laugh....it was traumatizing!! I blame that experience for the reason I hate driving so much.

22. I have bad eyesight....but refuse to wear my glasses or get contacts. I have just gotten use to not seeing very well!!

23. I have lost way too many people I love, and I am not sure I could take losing anyone else.

24. I often wake up from nightmares where that exact thing happens......

25. Regardless of what I have been through, I know there are always people who have it worse. No pity party here! I am blessed and very happy! I have wonderful family and friends who have always been there for me.

So I was watching old episodes of One Tree Hill this morning, yes I am an addict.  If you haven't already discovered the greatness that is the Soap Opera channel you must!  It not only has every soap opera imaginable, it also has all the old episodes of One Tree Hill and Beverly Hills 90210.  Anyways, I was watching the episode where Nathan gets into an accident with his hot Uncle Cooper.   He dives into the water to save him, blacks out, and then wakes up in a hospital where everyone says he is a hero.  Of course he doesn't remember saving anyone, but he does remember seeing the ghost of his Uncle Keith...who we later find out was murdered by Nathan's evil father Dan.  Yes, I know it is complicated and hard to follow and you are probably thinking to yourself "Seriously girl get to the point!"  Well here is the point.  Even though these shows are all crazy and very out there, they also contain things that I can relate to.  Whether it be a pregnancy scare, a death, a true loved lost, or even something as small as an F on a test.  If you look closely, you can always relate.  That's why I love them.  

The thing that I took away from this episodes is a saying.  Lucas narrates all of the episdoes and in this particular one he says, "It is only when we are tested that we truly discover who we are."  Do you believe this?  Does it take going through something so difficult to find ourselves?   

I often think about how my life would be if my brother hadn't died when I was in the third grade.  Would I be as close with my sister?  Would my parents have been as strict?  Everything that we go through changes us and molds us into the person we are.  Each person we meet, loose, fight with, love, all change us.  I love the person I am becoming.  I might be damaged, have commitment issues, unable to express my emotions to people, and many other flaws, but I am working to be a good person.  Would I give everything....even the person I have become to still have my brother or my best friend??? Um...of course!!!!  I would do anything if I could change the past.  However I wouldn't be who I am if it wasn't for those events.  If I have taken anything away from the events that have occurred in my life, it is to learn something from everything that happens.  From my brother's death I have learned the importance of family.  As much as they all drive us crazy sometimes, we love them more than anything.  I have learned that all the things we see on the T.V. can really happen to us.  We are not invincible, as much as we would like to think we are.  From my best friend Erin's death, I have learned how things can change in a split second.  We can go from happy college student where our biggest stress is how we are going to pay for the case of beer we need for the weekend, to grieving college student trying to live without your best friend in the blink of an eye.  How an illness like asthma, that I never thought was a big deal, can really take your life.    

So, I do agree that when we are tested we discover who we are.  We find out that we are much stronger then we think.  We find our strength in the strangest and most unexpected places.  So please, tell your friends and your family that you love them.  Appreciate them, cherish them, and know that their presence in your life has impacted you, whether you see it now or not.

So I recently went to the movie He's Just Not That Into You, and I just want to say I loved it!!  As much as I hate to admit it, I have totally been that girl  I have waited by the phone for a guy to call, I have declined going out with friends because I thought a certain guy would call to ask me to hang out, and I can even recall times where I have turned into stalker girl and driven past a certain guys house to see if he was there.  I have even called a guy from my cell phone and then hung up after one or two rings.  When he calls back to ask what I wanted, I would just be like "Oh I am sooo sorry, I called your cell by accident."  Of course we all know it was just an excuse to talk to him.  Yeah, not my proudest moment!!:)

When I was in college I "dated" (I use that term loosely since it might have all been in my head) my neighbor boy.  I will never again date someone that I live next to.  I found myself constantly looking out my window to see if his lights were on.  If they were on, "Why wasn't he calling me??"  "Who is that girl going into his house??"  "Why is there loud music coming from his house?"  "Is he having a party that he didn't invite me to!!"  I even remember a time back in college where my roommate sat me down and read me the book "He's Just Not That Into You."  She was like "If he's only calling you at 2am......after the bar......he's just not that into you."  That is what we call a booty call ladies, don't get sucked in!!!!  I laugh at myself now thinking back to those days.  But come on, we have all had those moments.  Guys or girls, we have all done it!  It is just part of being in the dating scene. 

I can also say that I have been on the other side of this whole "Not Into You" Scenario.  I have used the classic excuse "It's not you, It's me,"  "I'm not ready for a relationship."  I've done my share of calling guys at 2am, of going out on dates with guys that I knew I didn't like (a girl has to eat doesn't she!!), of breaking up with guys over text messaging, and even ignoring calls for weeks until they finally stop calling.  So it's not fair to blame it all on guys.  We all do it!

Basically I am just saying if you haven't already seen it, go out and see the movie, or read the book.  You can all learn a lot!!  Maybe even take some notes! 

So, "If he's not asking your out, not calling you, not dating you, not sleeping with you, not marrying you", then maybe just maybe  HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU!!!!

Have you ever just felt like someone had it out for you?  Like you had done something so bad, that you were forever being punished for it....even if you were not exactly sure what it was that you had done.  That is how I feel everyday of my life.  I've been asked the question: "What is the worst thing that has ever happened in your life?"  I often answer with, "Do you mean when my brother died when I was in third grade?  Or how about when my house burned down when I was home alone with my sister in 7th grade?  Or maybe you mean when my best friend died last year and I held her hand as she lay in coma?"  That usually gets them, and they either leave looking embarrassed or I see the pity in their eyes as they try to force out some kind of apology.  Is it karma? Did I do something wrong?  Something to piss off the guy upstairs? 

Someone once told me that we aren't given things that we can't handle.  That true strength is holding it together when most people would fall apart.  Did God really look at me and say, "Hmm I bet this girl can handle all of this.  Let me lay it on her, and see how she reacts."  I am just a little messed up to say the least: 

• I am scared to death of candles for fear of my apartment burning down....even though our house fire had nothing to do with candles.

• I constantly have to drive back to my house because I envision my apt going up in flames because I left my curling iron on...even though I never do.

• Fireworks, yeah they scare me too.

• I don't go a day without missing my best friend.

• I dread going back to the town we lived in together because of the memories.

• I still have some of her clothes hanging in my closet, even though they don't fit me.

• I have these weird commitment issues that I never knew I had.
  

• I find myself doubting the faith I once had.